Lynda 'No Meat' S
Neil 'Weed Eater' B
Rides:- 214/215Date:- 5/6 March 2005Kaeng Krachan ResortHares:- Neil and LyndaScribe:- James HarrisSaturday HashWell, what a hash it was. It had everything! Animals, incident and accidents, hint and allegations (thankyou Paul Simon).The hash got off to a great start on the way there when Adam Batty pulled out his soft porn mag for the girls in the van and introduced them to a wonderful concept (his words, not mine) in the form of 'The Liberator'. I won't go into details here as I'm sure children read this page, but suffice to say we all know what Adam's wife will be receiving for her birthday... I think that would make a great hash name for Adam too.We arrived at the lovely Gangajang Museum for Australian Music (does anyone get that?) and were met by some of the coolest weather any of us had ever experienced in Thailand. Perfect for cycling.Rooms were sorted and money paid (thanks Neil and Linda in their dual roles as hares and hash cash) and we set off.Well as I said incidents and accidents etc..Firstly, we got lost an awful lot. I guess partly because of the wind and rain taking care of the paper, and partly I think our hares like a challenge, and love to set a challenge. At least that's the politically correct version of events.Not long after this we had our colourful German friend lost somewhere in the bush with a busted collarbone which put a damper on things. Distracted by his bike gadgets I believe.Luckily for Udo and his entourage of women this meant they missed a rather large hill. Annie drew some comfort from trekking up this God forsaken mountain by the fact that the hares suffered setting the course in 40° heat. But I think they're masochists anyway... At least that's what I've heard.This was soon forgotten about though when a bloody big bull broke loose and chased some shit scared hashers down a trail before blundering off into the bush chased by a very irate farmer.We left pronto. And got lost again...And then someone got chased by a very mean looking dog who was trying to punish this sorry-arsed baldy for being dead last. Trust me, the dog had rabies for sure.Anyway, we all got home eventually for some grub and a Circle held in Arctic conditions. Beer was drunk, songs were sung etc etc. Yours truly was named 'Big shiny stud' or something along those lines. Bit hazy on facts, hypothermia setting in by this stage. Perhaps someone can refresh my memory.Some special mentions should go to the hares for the spectacular scenery; Matt for his kids bike fully equipped with a stand, rear rack, and basket at the front; all of the virgins and new spokes (can't name them all so I won't name any); the RA for giving me a crap name (I'd have preferred even BFH); and the hash writer for getting other people to write the reports.Sunday HashI can assure you all that the weather was just perfect for laying by the pool and writing this bollocks for the Saturday hash.However, I was told the hangover ride was quite pretty, with thorns adding extra spice, and as it's my duty to report on the hash, this is what I picked up at the Circle.Our assistant RA was absent due to an incident with a Swiss roll, worthy of a hasty trip home.Helen 'Road Junky' Keogh had a run in with another bull. No bulls on the road, huh?Tom thought he was in Mission Impossible with an outlandish set of shades. I believe they were meant for looking through women’s knicks. Perhaps he should lend them to Jason so that he doesn't have to resort to sneaking a peek at the ladies taking a wizz...Big award given out today. The Best Butt award is commonly regarded as the most coveted award a hasher can receive. This years winners were English lass Suzie Quattro, and Freddy the Frenchman. They both won a container of talcum powder each. Not exactly sure what that's for but I'm sure they'd agree that it make all those hours doing squats and lunges at the gym worth while.Now on the final and most important note, it has to be disclosed that our illustrious hares got lost in the morning doing the reccy for their own hash. Obviously too many bloody checks even for them!Yours in piss-taking,James 'Big Shiny Helmet' HarrisDisclaimer: The hash reporter reserves the right to embellish the truth however he or she deems fit.